I should be the boss when I get married.
Because my mom is the boss,and it works very well.
I like the boy Kevin,he likes me back,
I don't know why.
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Til Death S01E20
Ok, remember that the garbage goes out on tuesday
And if you see a man in the bushes
it's probably just the gardener
So please don't call 9-1-1 again.
And I put backup toilet paper
in all the bathrooms
Because I won't be here to rescue you
When you start yelling, joy T.P.Now!
I'm just trying to save us
all the embarrassment of me
shuffling across the hall to the linen closet
I'm so excited that allison agreed
to spend spring break with me
instead of moping in her dorm over that
loser pottery guy dumping her
Yeah, I didn't want to say anything at the time
But his fingernails were filthy.
Good riddance.
All right.
I think I can handle it from here.
I'll call you when I land.
Love you.
I love you, too.
I'll miss you.
That's ridiculous.
Ridiculous?
Look, joy.
I--I love you, and you love me.
But let's not go overboard.
We've been married for 20 years.
I can go 6 days without seeing you.
I mean, in colonial times
it would take you that long just to get bacon.
Go ahead.Have fun, you kook.
Ok.Uh, let me just get this straight.
I'm gonna go away for a week.
And you're not gonna miss me at all?
Will I think of you fondly?Yes.
Will a small grin dance across my face
As I look in the tub
and see some of your hairs in the drain
Perhaps.
But am I gonna painfully
long for you during your absence?
It's a big, fat no.
You know what?You are unbelievable.
How hard is it to tell your wife
the person with whom you've spent your life
that you are going to miss her?
Might it even occur to you to lie?
I have a commitment to the truth.
Ok, eddie.You know what?
I'm gonna go.
But know this...
you are going to miss me.
It may not be today
it may not be tomorrow,it'll probably be today!
You're gonna miss me bad!
Good-bye!
Good-bye, my sweet.
Good-bye, my pants!
Hello, judge hatchet.
This is so great.
So much better than my spring break.
All I remember was there was tequila
A volleyball...and a donkey.
Were you in mexico?
I don't think so.
Listen, I know that
you're still hurting about doug.
But I want you to forget about men.
This is a girls only bonding trip.
Look out, south beach.
The stark ladies are off the hizzy.
That felt wrong.
Well, you know what would feel right.
And what's that?
A margarita.
Give me your I.D.
And I'll go get us 4.
Nice try, junior.
Go get yourself a soda, and go get mommy a mojito.
Let me guess...
University of virginia?
Excuse me?
I'm sorry.
It's just a little spring break game I play.
I try to guess where
all the pretty girls go to school.
-I'm joy. -Jack.
Hi, jack.
And I'm guessing poli sci major.
No, no.Wait...
That body says dance.
Double major.
Well,joy,
how would you like to protect our shores
by joining the beach brigade
and helping me pick up trash?
We're starting tomorrow morning
When the sun's 3 fingers above the
See you at 3 fingers.
Ok,so that's a 7 meat,3 cheese.
Right, gorgeous?
-All right. -Keep the change.
Get yourself some hair gel.
Chinese food.
This is awkward.
-Mario, feng-bai. -Feng-bai, mario.
There you go.Ok.
No fighting,you two.Ok?Good night.
Kung pao chicken all night long doo-dah, doo-dah
I say, kung-pao chicken all night long
oh, the doo-dah day
Hey, neighbor.
Wow, you're not wearing any pants.
Of course I'm not wearing pants.
In fact,the only reason I'm wearing boxers is
Bcause I can't find a napkin.
Wow, you've got a lot of food here.
Looks like you're not gonna need
this lasagna I made you.
Need?No.
Want?Yes.
Thank you.Put that right over here.
Well, with joy gone
we thought you might need some company.
Need?No.
Want?No.
Come on, eddie.
You must miss joy a little bit.
Sometimes,I miss steph
when her back's turned to me in bed.
It's true.
I can only sleep on my left side.
My spine's pretty messed up.
All right, listen.
I appreciate you guys looking out for me
But the truth is I'm managing just fine
And I'm looking forward to having this week alone
I'm eating what I want,I'm sleeping when I want
And I've watched so much tv
I can't even see the color blue.
It's fantastic.
Well,just so you know we're here for you.
In fact,if the weather gets better
Jeff and I are thinking about breaking in
our new picnic basket tomorrow.
Yeah.We have a secret spot
So if you come with us,
we're gonna have to blindfold you.
Yeah, well unless that's followed by a gunshot
I wouldn't count on it.
Ok.Just think about it.
Mm-kay, will do.
Bye-bye.
All right, nanny 911.
It's time to put little jeremy
in the naughty chair.
How am I gonna eat without tv?
Due to interrupted cable television service
in the tri-state area
we are experiencing
an abnormally high call volume.
Please stay on the line
and a customer service representative
will be with you in...
one...hundred...twelve...hours.
What?
Hey,stan,my man.
Yeah--yeah, look.
I don't care what you're doing.
I got the whole house to myself
So drop everything and get on over here
Oh, that's terrible.
I--I'm sorry for your loss.
You're a pallbearer?
You're pallbearing right now.
Well, I--I'm surprised you picked up.
Uh,look--look,it sounds--
It sounds like an all-day thing
So,uh-- why don't I just call you tomorrow?
Y-yeah, have a-- have a-- ok.
Lot of doctors, not a lot of friends.
Here we go.
Cofeld.Yeah, yeah.
The wife's away.
Come on over.
Great.Not until 3:00?
Oh, yeah.Well-- well, good.Good.
That'll give me some time to get some things done.
All right.
Do I know how to play baccarat?
No, I do not.
Bow chicka bow-bow
Good night, trenton!I love you!
Not in my house!Not in my house!
Just a minute!
So no tv, huh?
This is weird.
Yeah, kinda, huh?
You know, I've never really looked at you before.
Your head would be great on a coin.
Thank you.
I never heard that before.
So, you wanna watch some--
Oh, right.I can't.
Hey, i got an idea.
Want to see what I confiscated
from a couple of kids at school?
No, no, no!Not that.
Say hello to my little friends, huh?
Aw, come on, man.
We're grown men.
Does that bitch have pump action?
You bet.Cofeld...
come out, come out, wherever you are.
Cofeld...cofeld?
You're still here, right?
Sayonara, sucka!
Oh, all right.
Well played.
Ah, well thank you.
I wouldn't use that upstairs bathroom
for quite a while.
Thank you.
You know, these really don't sting as bad
as you think they would.
Yeah, see?Nothing.
-No? -No.
-Come closer. -Ok.
Yeah, don't worry about it.
All right, all right.
-You ready? -Ok.
Ok, all right.
Had a little bite to it.
Little bite.
Come on.Move it up.
All right.
Ok.All right, ok.
All right.Ok, good.Good.
That, um-- that was good.
That, um-- that--that stung.
Great view.
But-- don't look down at the pool.
That geezer is packing a little bit more
than those speedos can handle.
-Are you ready to go? -Yeah.
And I got a surprise for you.
We're not just gonna lie out
I signed us up to clean the beach this morning
What?
Yeah,I thought it would be nice
to make a difference.
You know,stop taking.
Start giving back.
Again, what?
And why are you dressed like j-lo?
This?
I just wanted to look nice for my baby girl.
How's the caboose?
Under control?
Yeah, mom.You have a really great ass.
All right, let's do this thing, huh?
2 girls on spring break
pickin' up other people's crap.
Yeah, mom...when did you become so environmental?
I once saw you dump an old car battery in a lake.
Honey,that's what this week is about--
trying new things
getting to know each other on another level.
In fact,for the rest of the trip,
don't think of me as mom.
I'm your friend joy.
A dancer from the university of virginia.
experiment 39...
cheesy choco-nachos.
Subject starting to not feel too good.
I miss you, joy.
There's my tiny dancer.
Oh, you.
Who is this lovely lady you've brought with you?
Well,jack.This is allison.
Allison,this is jack
Jack organized this whole thing.
Nice to meet you.
Oh,that's me.
Excuse me.Could you hold that for me?
Hello?
Yes,I was wondering
if you can help me find a dentist in my area.
-Eddie. -Joy?
Oh, I...must
Oh, now that I got you, how are you?
Fine, how's your week alone going?
Fantastic.Every moment is...
filled with a new discovery.
Did you know there's a drawer under the oven?
Boy.If I didn't know better
I'd think you were calling me
because you missed me.
Thank you for bringing laughter back into my life.
Uh, actually, I was calling to see
if you could extend your trip for a few days,
because it is off the hook over here.
I thought you were calling
Bcause you were trying to find a dentist.
Shut up.I don't miss you.
Gotta go.
You know,I'm kind of glad it's still raining out.
Indoor picnics are way more romantic.
Plus,no awkward interruptions like last time.
Yeah, baby.
You know,we really should find
a secret picnic spot that's not so close to
an assisted living facility.
Though,I would like to think
we gave that old bastard one last thrill.
I just spilled hummus on the floor there.
It's ok, sweetie.
You were going for something.
I know,baby,it's a whole lot of man comin' at you
There's a whole lot of man at our door!
I'm here for the picnic!
eddie,hey,look,I--I know
I technically invited you to the picnic
but it's kinda become more of an intimate affair,
-so you can just -yeah, yeah, yeah, I get it.
It's a fake picnic on the rug.
How whimsical.Scooch.
Hey, honey.
Well...help yourself.
Well, this is nice, huh?
Did I track the hummus from outside?
No, I--I, uh, spilled it myself.
But thanks for really, uh-- rubbing it in there.
-That's--that's good. -Oh, sorry.
Look at you kids.
Young,in love,
going down the road of life together.
You're lucky you're not alone.
No one to talk to.
No one to share your thoughts with.
-Hey, jeff -Yeah?
Your barn door's open.
I know it, eddie.
I opened it.
Am I interrupting something?
Be-because I could just go back to my house.
-Ok. -Alone.
Get a glimpse of the life
that awaits me as a widower.
Stephie,I want you to promise me something.
That you're gonna take these moments to
always reassure him how much he means to you.
And you, mr.Jeffy?
I want you to tell her how much you miss her
every time she walks out that door.
Because one day...
she will not be around anymore.
You hear me?
Go ahead.Make love.
While you still have each other to make love to.
Ok, I'm gonna skedaddle.
Make love.
Looks like you got quite a haul there, joy.
Well, yes, I did.
I got a lot, too, jack.
I think I cleaned up an old crime scene.
Look at all this police tape.
Uh, well,I-- I got an old bloody sock,jack.
Look at that.
Hey.That was from my crime scene.
Well,it appears someone wasn't
as thorough as they should've been.
Maybe you ladies should
just work this out on your own.
Well-- ok, bye-bye, jack.
Oh, my god, mom.
Are you flirting with him?
What?That's crazy.
You think he likes you.
That's why we're here,and that's why
you're dressed like you're in a bollywood movie
ok, maybe I was-- flirting a little bit.
What's wrong with that?
What's wrong is that he likes me.
And you're married.To dad!
Oh, god.You're right.
I'm sorry, sweetie.
I guess I just went a little bit crazy.
Look at me.
I love daddy.
Of course, I wasn't gonna do anythi.
Honestly,it just felt good
to have a little attention
from a guy with a muscle in his body.
Ah, go for it.He's all yours.
Hey there, girls.
Let me guess...university of miami.
Hi, jack.
Oh, my god.He flirts with everyone.
All he cares about is cleaning up the environment.
That son of a bitch.
Dear god, it's me...edward.
I know we haven't spoken in a while, and...
I just want to say that I'm sorry
For those terrible names I called you
when I was passing my kidney stone.
In retrospect,that must have been very hurtful.
And I'm also sorry
for the bad things I said to my wife
but you didn't have to
take both her and tv from me.
To take one or the other would've been fair.
But both quite frankly is...showboating.
Eddie, I'm home!
Oh, did I miss you.
Look at-- come here.
-Did you miss me? -Yeah...
Bienvenidos a telemundo!
Gracias, mi dios.
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